Category Archives: About Parenmk

HELPING YOUR CHILD GROW IN CIVILITY.

The perceptible proliferation of social problem in our society hugely characterized by the ever increasing daily reports of violence and assault in almost every department of our lives is only a symptom of our collective failure to help adults of today who were kids many years ago the need and the understanding to grow in CIVILITY.

Civility is the act of showing regard for others by being polite in attitude, speaking, relationship, and association. In other words, being friendly and nice to everyone.

CIVILITY and HUMANITY is a siamese twins; thy are so joined at the hip, the sound judgement of it that we have in the former makes it easier for the later to have free course of expression in our lives and the entire society that we are part of and live in

Civility as it is has NO religion; it treats everybody fear, just, and equal, without regards to known tribe, no potent affiliation to any profession or class, or discrimination on the basis of race, ethnicity, creed, national or state of origin, intelligence, sex, sexual orientation, or age. Its policies and practices rather makes everybody that adheres strictly to them a beneficiary of the benefits in it.

The value of civility is as old as the creation, and must have played an intricate part in the culture of a true humanity judging by the breadth and the philosophy of the quote dedicated to it by Mary Monthagu; CIVILITY COSTS NOTHING, and BUYS EVERYTHING . I equally subscribe unequivocally that it is simply the custodian of the society’s moral fabric.

In the light of the above it’d then be right to admit that civility places a huge demand on parents who are major stakeholders in the society with a great responsibility of setting an example for their children to follow; when children grow up in a home that is conducted after the principles of civility, then good citizens are deemed to have been trained for the society……..reversed is the case if other way round.

Few weeks ago I was privileged to be a guest of the CIVILITY PRESENCE; a US based online talk show program owned and anchored by the Civility Expert, Louisa Akaiso. I was billed to speak on the civility presence in FATHERHOOD. I must commend this great woman for the awesome work she’s doing in that space. The highlight is the how FATHERS’ presence in the home can inspire in kids civility. I submitted inter alia, that fathers must lead in presenting an enabling environment for reinforcement of positive beliefs system in kids; civility inclusive. But can parents give what they don’t have? No. From my engagements and afterwards experiences with parents across classes, spheres and space, I have come to realise that only a very few of us were raised with civility; most that claims they do were either not raised with right tools or rather tutored with deficient mindset of the caregivers, while many of us didn’t grow up with the depth meaning of what the word civility is all about.

Going by this observation the present contemporary society of ours is peopled by a hybrid of few that were raised with civility and many that were not raised with it, and by all account with greater dominant DNA of those that weren’t raised with civility. This is a great concern for all. However, being bereaved of civility is not an excuse for one not to equip one’s children in civility. This is where the sincerity of parents should come in by subjecting themselves for proper scrutiny and upgrade accordingly. Everyone can and should learn civility skills that will produce great kids for our society because of the humongous benefits therein;

• Civility builds the child to stand before the kings and not mere men.

• Civility helps the child to put his/her emotion in check

• Civility propels kids to discover self

• Civility reinforces in kids a sense of responsibility to society

• Civility gives kids a spirit of humble service

• Civility gives children a heart for others

• Civility builds in kids values of self discipline, self
restraint, self consciousness, integrity, self dignity, etc…

• Civility motivates kids to to live according to principles that better their relationship with others; old and young.

• Civility helps them to own their behavior and be held accountable for their actions.

• And lastly civility is humanity.

Restoring civility in all facets of our life can’t be achieved by leaving behind our children. It is unfortunate that many children grow up in the world without knowing what civility is all about and so I state below few nuggets parents can follow in helping their kids to grow in civility.

[ ] Parents must display a strong desire for good character traits for kids to follow; our characters determine the extent to which they’d be able to grasp the wisdom of the civility we want them to grow up with.

[ ] The understanding of kids temperament is key. Nothing is more pitiful than parents being ignorant of who their kids are; what do they like and do not like? Which environment helps them to give their best in all things…. our comprehensive knowledge of these amongst others will afford us the great opportunity to help them grow in civility

[ ] Modelling in African children the civility to grow up with is mostly achieved by exploring the beauty of our story telling, proverbs, and folklore. This allows kids to experience different worlds, countries, cultures, and traditions in perspectives.

[ ] We must help them learn perseverance. Kids of today have short attention spans. They quit when the result of an activity does not favor them. We must nevertheless prevent this and model for them the essence of being dedicated to a worthy cause until the end. No matter the duration.

[ ] Tell kids to pursue excellence regardless of the situations. We can start with one area of their life and gradually helping them raise the bar. This is a good strategy inorder for them not to fall into a performance trap.

Civility can only exist and thrive in the lives of today’s kids if parents are deliberate in being civil themselves in the way we bring up our kids. Let us do this for them; it is part of the coping skills they need to grow up with to be relevant in life.

Thank you for your time. Waiting to read your comments and contributions.

Akinropo Akinola
Parenting Development Expert

#parentingwithakinropo
#parenmarkschoolofparentin
#DaddyWhereAreYou
#akinropoakinola
#MummyNoExcuses
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HELPING YOUR CHILD GROW IN FAITH.

One of the major aspects of growth a child needs to thrive, prosper, and excel in life is FAITH. Helping kids grow in faith is an early spiritual marker to instill in kids respect, trust, wisdom, and perspective of God and His authority.

The sustenance of other things we teach our children with from birth through adulthood, and beyond is hinged on the energy deployed towards building a virile Faith in them. Faith in this context represents the operation hub coordinating the degree of energy deployed to mould children into who God wants them to be.

There’s a general believe that we all came to this world innocent of evil and good, ignorant of the choice of Faith, tribe, parents, culture, tradition, and beliefs system to belong. Our lifestyles are patterned after the preset designed products funneled down to us by those we lived with and the primary caregivers

Until a child is 3 to 6 years old, his choice of faith, culture, beliefs, and tradition is nearly the same as his parents. Every child imitates and practices them as they see their parents observe but when they mature from ages 13 and up, they think more abstractly and theoretically; and tend to put whatever they’ve been fed with, teachings received overtime into their own understanding to see whether the faith given to them by their parents is true to theirs or not. At this stage they have friends along the lines of faith and denominations; they see churches, religious sects, mosques, and traditional shrines around and they subsequently begin to relate and identify with this larger group either by virtual or by physical association.

But as parents, part of our oversight functions is not to decide the choice of association to them but enable kids to witness the ills of the world, in manageable and age-appropriate chunks, and later offer them guidance by shaping their thought after the pattern of the faith we have received, believed, and practiced because we have the mandate to train them in the way of The Lord.

Helping them grow in faith is not achieved in the absence of the dominant and personality traits, and temperament the children possess. Doing this will make a great show of the fulfilment of their calling and purpose in life even after they have accepted and grounded in the faith we introduced.

Please let us look together at these specific possible ways we can help them grow up stronger in their faith

1. Expose children to the awesomeness of God early enough and encourage them to participate actively in the services of their local assembly. Sing and read the Scriptures to them, tell them about God’s love. Demonstrate your faith daily through your conducts. Please do not forget that this is better achieved in their best teachable moments

2. Explain your strong conviction about your faith EARLY enough to your kids. It is not enough to tell kids that the reason you practice your faith is because it’s been passed down to you by your forefathers from time immemorial…..don’t be afraid if they question the faith that’s being introduced, this is part of the processes that will help them own their faith going forward and how we react is key. A message of faith as it applies to their lives will be easily comprehended by kids if explained in a lucid and intelligible script. Parents must avoid the temptation of becoming arrogant in knowledge and prideful in the way we treat their questions about our faith. It is a-no-holds-barred conversation. Help them find answers to their ever inquisitive mind. No place for emotional reactions, please.

3. Exact your firm believe in the faith you have accepted and handed to your family; when a mother brings a new baby home, she doesn’t just start to make him/her fend for himself/herself. The baby must be nurtured, and trained. Nurturing in faith requires and demands daily feed in the word of God. We must feed them with intellectual fire with mind challenging materials; books(with good pictures), stories, messages, movies, that make them think deeper about faith.

4. Exalt. Pray, praise, prepare and plan domestic affairs together. They are equally indispensable stakeholders in the home. This will help in no small measure to connect with the faith you want them grow with. Ascribe all that the family has achieved to the divine provision of God alone, even if many are achieved by dint of hard work.

5. Execute. Structured plan of action should follow for the drill of faith to gain traction in kids. The content of the follow up should be scripted after their godly designed dominant spiritual and intellectual pathways. This will make their growth in faith more of joy and less of job.

The expectation of every parent is to have a happy, peaceful, and rewarding retirement life at old age; we want to bequeath a good name, an honorable reputation, financial benefits, properties? Never seen any great parent wants to leave a legacy of debt, shame, poverty, or limited ability to deal with the world. As major as these possessions are, they can be taken away or at least fade with time; but the lasting VALUE we can help them with is supporting them to GROW in Faith of The Lord.

I appreciate your time.

Parenmark School of Parenting Summer session starts in September; please click the link below for registration. https://tinyurl.com/yxqbo7h4

Thank you

Akinropo Akinola
Parenting Development Expert

#parentingwithakinropo
#akinropoakinola
#DaddyWhereAreYou
#MummyNoExcuses
#parenting

HELPING YOUR CHILD GROW SERIES; BREAKING THE CYCLE OF COUPLES’ CONFLICTS IN PARENTING.

The series; HELPING YOUR CHILD GROW, beams the search light on how the conflicts between couples in parenting consequently contribute in no small measure to the healthy growth of children under them. I bring this to the front burner today to address because it is a disorder that we have lived with for ages and as parents we must be extremely careful about the influences to which we expose our children to.

Children exist first, within the framework of immediate and extended family, hence the need for couples to think of the child above their egos because parenting and modeling is certainly about helping our children to grow to become adjusted adults. This is the highest calling anyone should be proud of.

Be that as it may parenting job can be possessive and intriguing when it comes to who calls the shots between the couples simply because of the love and passion we both have for our kids and this naturally sometimes leads to disagreement on which is the best choice of styles to raise the kids with. Nevertheless we must not lose focus of the aim and objective of parenting regardless of the style chosen and whose pendulum the authority in the home swings.

while it is equally characteristically permissive for couples to have disagreements on other domestic issues and such could go unnoticed but same cannot be said of dissents that border on how to parent their children.

In some homes, the dissonance is out of this world where children are bombarded from right to left with different divergence orders forgetting that we live in an interdependent world where what our children hear, see, feel, experience, and learn will affect how they GROW up and who they become. Kids receive much of their vision from within the family. We are the lens through which they see the world. It therefore should be a TABOO to see couples engage in a war of superiority over whose instructions the child should listen to and carry out.

I have seen this happen again, and again with the trend showing no sign of abatement among some families. So let us take a look at the following signs among others and how it affects the growth of our kids

1. Refusal of either of the couples to accept the full responsibility of the relational and behavioral tendency of the children. This invariably will cause the children to flourish brazenly in errors. Empowerment comes to children when we help them discover their strengths, weaknesses, and opportunities that will distinguish and set them apart to GROW up.

2 An attitude of who cares; “his father/mother indulged him/her”, that’s his/her problem, not mine. A dangerous terrain this is, as couples may have inadvertently resigned our fate to a state of recluse; children under this situation grow up to become emotionally brittled adults for lack of required and relevants modelling from parents. The consequence of this is for a society to have retarded brand of product in dysfunctional adults who lacked Fathers/Mothers effect/figure while growing up

3. Couples’ belief in divergent parenting styles in defiance to the demand of right values for kids. This in turn sets the children up to become scavengers of discarded odds and ends – making them victims of social media vomits and as such blinding their mind to see the imminent social threats to look out for in the journey of a purposeful growth

4. Favourtism among children with couples taken sides flagrantly. This negates one of the basic principles in parenting that each child should feel valued, special and appreciated by both parents. When favoritism exists and takes centre stage in parenting, GROWTH is hindered, disfavoured child(ren) will learn to GROW up with hates, unforgiveness, and vengeance.

The easier way out of this malady is for parents to see the interest of the children as the FOCAL POINT in parenting. It should remain sacrosanct….so as not to make our children to reap the fruits of our ignonimous action later on.

At this point I inspire couples to work assiduously in crafting intimacy, trust, and understanding, with one another towards the common purpose of the interest of the child. Understanding means responding to the kids’ circumstances with insight into the perspective of the child. Achieving this demands seeking daily wisdom in one another. Wisdom is the skill in everyday living. Seeking daily wisdom is best achieved when couples willingly subject themselves to proper parenting education so as to be on the same page in the updates of knowledge with regards to the existing experiences, circumstances, and environment of the child, as against the usual ‘this is the way I was raised’.

Thank you for your time while waiting for your comments, contributions, and questions.

Akinropo Akinola
Parenting Development Expert
08033158127.

#parentingwithakinropo
#akinropoakinola
#DaddyWhereAreYou
#MummyNoExcuses

THE BYSTANDERS EFFECT ON PARENTING.

I was invited to speak in a school gathering sometimes ago, and after I was done with my assignment, then came the time for parents’ comments and contributions. Few of the interested parents took their turn to speak. But what later became the cynosure of all eyes present were the contributions made by a particular woman, very passionate mother, who spoke glowingly about the need for proper upbringing of kids among others. Every of her submissions drew thunderous applause from the audience.

Truly her well articulated input wormed their ways into my heart momentarily until she made this noxious phrase (of which many of us parents are equally guilty of) “YOU MUST BEHAVE YOURSELF…..OR DO YOU WANT YOUR FATHER OR PEOPLE OUT THERE TO REBUKE ME FOR NOT RAISING YOU WELL? She yelled.

This was like a sharp knife penetrating through my heart. I deduced that the woman’s response to her kids ‘disobedience’ and the need to parent might have been driven more by the social environment of the adults than that of the behavior of the child per se and the need to find solution to help them GROW.

I know many parents wouldn’t see anything wrong in this but please permit me to differ this day that everything about this statement is fallacious both in principle and method she has applied. There’s no doubt about the sincerity of this mother in her bid to want to raise the best out of her children, so also the bystanders who she mentioned. But parents can equally be sincerely wrong through our choice of words for two reasons from what the mother displayed;

The first one is her intention for all she does in parenting is precipitated by her self/husband centredness; second, the effect of the bystanders/people(what would people say?) because out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. When kids obey in this regard it doesn’t mean the learning outcome has taken place but out of fear. And they know that such order comes from a pure shellfishness of their parents. There’s nothing in need for them.

The woman had inadvertently conditioned her mind to make the perceieved preset standard of the bystanders/people her accepted methods of parenting.

That presupposes that some parents receive exral zests to deploy when they think of the bystanders effect who are out to quickly point fingers openly at their short comings. Society sometimes make contemptous statements about these parents and their competence. Sad still.

To this category of parents out there , please do away with the bystander effect, it is never , and it is not going to be a best strategy for you. Simply because the real AIM of parenting has been wickedly altered to suit others while still leaving the parents with the battle of having to deal with the dirty looks, spiteful remarks, or other derisive comments of other adults around.

I believe parenting is all about patience, perseverance, and persistence in doing the right things, among other startegies that work. We all need these to help kids grow because generally children have difficulty differentiating their worldview from anyone outside of themselves. This is not however, a license to indulge, but to strike a balance between where kids are developmentally and where parents want them headed behaviorally.

I do not claim to have all solutions to this menace of the bystanders effect in parenting that has influenced us negatively for decades but I have few suggestions on how to correct this malady, so please stick wth me as I offer few of the plausible ways out below;

PATIENCE OF A CHIMPANZEE.
This is an optimal strategy for any parent. Some times children lack the immediate coping capacity to reason fully and comprehend our message. But what we do in this period through patience will determine the nature of further responses from kids in testing boundaries.

DISCIPLINE OF A MONK.
Every parent needs discipline to do what we need to do and to be the very best at it. This underscores the ability to do what we should do at the right time, whether we feel like doing it or not. Remember in parenting it is not about us, but all about the child. The early life skills we missed out to equip our kids with will sooner than later be an albatross around our neck.

PRIORITY SETS YOU FREE.
The very top in our priorities is what drives our life and eventually becomes what we focus on. I plead by the mercies of God we all use this summer season to reconcile ourselves back to humanity through the daily seeking of effectiveness in our FAMILY and PARENTING. What we focus on we feed, what we feed grows, and what GROWS dominates the sphere of influence.

The goal of parenting is to raise happy, healthy, and successful kids who grow on to become productive adults.

Yielding to the imports of the bystanders effect in parenting does nothing positive to the child but the incessant slapping, kicking, anger, dragging, threatening, insulting, humiliating, and all other pysical and emotional assault on the kids because such is a product of emotions, and not straight from the HEART.

I shall be willing to entertain questions, contributions, and comments on this case study.

Thank you
Akinropo Akinola
Parenting Development Expert
08033158127

#parentingwithakinropo
#akinropoakinola
#DaddyWhereAreYou
#MummyNoExcuses
#parenting

MAKING THE HOME A HAVEN FOR PEACE IN PARENTING.

One of the teens I once taught in the sunday school department in my former local church, many years ago, called me to break a cheering news of how he graduated with a 2:1 degree, against all odds in the university. My guy was on cloud nine as he was full of thanks for all that God did through us for him. With his permission I have decided to use his as a case study for the series; HELPING YOUR CHILD GROW!

His result personally gladened me. Why, because he was by then a troubled teen who almost ran away from home to seek succour in his friend’s home due to the manner he’s being handled by his parents. The lad would neither cooperate with the teacher nor the mode of the teaching in the class; always moody and erratic, and sometimes highly temperamental and all attempt to make him speak the same language as I met the brick wall. He defiled all known solutions and these three dangerous symptoms became his dominant features;

He wouldn’t talk;
he wouldn’t feel anyone’s presence around him,
he wouldn’t trust no one.

His memories were shrouded in harshness. To make the situation more unpleasant, the parents have for long been barking up the wrong tree in their bid to solve this ‘problem’ they created.

In a flicker of thought I realized quickly the inner peace was slowly waning in the boy’s life, yet we weren’t deterred, rather we were spurred on to unravel the mystery behind his behavioral infractions by digging deep into the root cause analysis. I and another teacher were later given the approval to visit his home. His parents worshiped in another church though, and we were able to obtain some information of which I wouldnt divulge here.

Obviously he was a teen from a troubled home. Were his parents divorced? No! the parents weren’t seperated or divorced. Signs of a troubled home were not limited to these alone. Some homes where fathers and mothers are present often suffer some destructive behavioural patterns; some parents are still battling with many toxic and painful events they lived with while growing up.

They are so traumatized by these and failed still, to seek help even at adulthood, preferred to nurse a liflelong wound alone. What you’d see in this kind of home is the absence of right content to connect. Instead their plan was to restrict and restrain the guy from going beyond the boundaries set for him but such thoughtless partition layer later faltered and finally failed because the whole idea was conceived to protect the egos of the parents and not to reinforce values in the boy

Respite however came their way after the series of intervention were offered. The once upon wrongly dubbed black sheep of the family began to come out of his shell; he started learning how to speak out. The parents soon realized they had a nice and an articulate teen in their son. A unified and cohesive relationship later sprouted in the family. He endured the pain of sitting for his Senior School Certificate Examination (SSCE) thrice before he could gain admission to University

Every adult we see around is a product of a home. We are all products of our early emotional life; we see things not the way they are but the way we are. We see every child the way we were and not the way they are now.

Quite number of children out there endure home environments made miserable by incurable neglect, anger, abuse, rage, and other forms of social breaches. These children feel the plague of fears, disappointment, mistrust, and loneliness brought on them by their parents. They are frequently driven by a desire to want to win their parents and adults’ desire , even when such acceptance is unattainable. And when kids fail in this attempt to please, they start to feel bad about themselves and that turned out to shame and guilt. Feeling bad about who they think they are. They become convinced they are worthless.

Then I ask this question; how do we make our homes secure, safe, and serene, to qualify as a haven for a healthy growth of our children?

I advise every existing parent and aspiring one to love every child under them. Loving your children is accepting who they are regardless of the spectrum of their relational and behavioral tendency. Criticism and fault finding MUST never be part of the correctional measures to restore any erring child.

Children in chaotic home situations always experience harsh, brash, and inconsistent discipline patterns. But I suggest these homes to first of all discover the child(ren) . This is when you will know how to train him/her the way he/she should go. No one shaves one’s head in one’s absence, goes the wise saying (Akìí fárí léyìn olórí)

The belief system of the home about humanity is a veritable ingredient in securing the home a haven for peace. Every parent must subject himself/herself to relevant scrutiny to ascertain the toxic emotional life he grew up with does not hinder the way he/she raise his/her kids.

Parents must also not forget to define their purpose in parenting; knowing the why, how, and what of parenting is key, it will help them to make lesser mistakes on the job.

Bonding time; family time. This is not a new thing to us, perhaps we have so familiar with it to the extent of losing its flavor unknown to us. I advise parents before you call for a family altar or family worship , be sure your character in front of your children/households is reputable. Our character determines our conduct; honest conduct comes from an honest person. Family devotion/time should be times of character development, life shaping and an avenue to reinforce positive behaviour in the child. The fact that the kids oblige to the family devotion/time means nothing if learning outcome isn’t taken place.

Every home has its inherent challenges. No home is exempt from problems. But the needed comfort and ease is in our firm resolute to look inward and be highly responsive to the peculiar challenges the home has.

N.B.
Parenmark School of parenting summer session starts in September. Please register by clicking the link https://tinyurl.com/yxqbo7h4 if you haven’t yet.

Thank you

Akinropo Akinola

Parenting Development Expert.

#parentingwithakinropo
#akinropoakinola
#MummyNoExcuses
#DaddyWhereAreYou