MAKING THE HOME A HAVEN FOR PEACE IN PARENTING.
One of the teens I once taught in the sunday school department in my former local church, many years ago, called me to break a cheering news of how he graduated with a 2:1 degree, against all odds in the university. My guy was on cloud nine as he was full of thanks for all that God did through us for him. With his permission I have decided to use his as a case study for the series; HELPING YOUR CHILD GROW!
His result personally gladened me. Why, because he was by then a troubled teen who almost ran away from home to seek succour in his friend’s home due to the manner he’s being handled by his parents. The lad would neither cooperate with the teacher nor the mode of the teaching in the class; always moody and erratic, and sometimes highly temperamental and all attempt to make him speak the same language as I met the brick wall. He defiled all known solutions and these three dangerous symptoms became his dominant features;
He wouldn’t talk;
he wouldn’t feel anyone’s presence around him,
he wouldn’t trust no one.
His memories were shrouded in harshness. To make the situation more unpleasant, the parents have for long been barking up the wrong tree in their bid to solve this ‘problem’ they created.
In a flicker of thought I realized quickly the inner peace was slowly waning in the boy’s life, yet we weren’t deterred, rather we were spurred on to unravel the mystery behind his behavioral infractions by digging deep into the root cause analysis. I and another teacher were later given the approval to visit his home. His parents worshiped in another church though, and we were able to obtain some information of which I wouldnt divulge here.
Obviously he was a teen from a troubled home. Were his parents divorced? No! the parents weren’t seperated or divorced. Signs of a troubled home were not limited to these alone. Some homes where fathers and mothers are present often suffer some destructive behavioural patterns; some parents are still battling with many toxic and painful events they lived with while growing up.
They are so traumatized by these and failed still, to seek help even at adulthood, preferred to nurse a liflelong wound alone. What you’d see in this kind of home is the absence of right content to connect. Instead their plan was to restrict and restrain the guy from going beyond the boundaries set for him but such thoughtless partition layer later faltered and finally failed because the whole idea was conceived to protect the egos of the parents and not to reinforce values in the boy
Respite however came their way after the series of intervention were offered. The once upon wrongly dubbed black sheep of the family began to come out of his shell; he started learning how to speak out. The parents soon realized they had a nice and an articulate teen in their son. A unified and cohesive relationship later sprouted in the family. He endured the pain of sitting for his Senior School Certificate Examination (SSCE) thrice before he could gain admission to University
Every adult we see around is a product of a home. We are all products of our early emotional life; we see things not the way they are but the way we are. We see every child the way we were and not the way they are now.
Quite number of children out there endure home environments made miserable by incurable neglect, anger, abuse, rage, and other forms of social breaches. These children feel the plague of fears, disappointment, mistrust, and loneliness brought on them by their parents. They are frequently driven by a desire to want to win their parents and adults’ desire , even when such acceptance is unattainable. And when kids fail in this attempt to please, they start to feel bad about themselves and that turned out to shame and guilt. Feeling bad about who they think they are. They become convinced they are worthless.
Then I ask this question; how do we make our homes secure, safe, and serene, to qualify as a haven for a healthy growth of our children?
I advise every existing parent and aspiring one to love every child under them. Loving your children is accepting who they are regardless of the spectrum of their relational and behavioral tendency. Criticism and fault finding MUST never be part of the correctional measures to restore any erring child.
Children in chaotic home situations always experience harsh, brash, and inconsistent discipline patterns. But I suggest these homes to first of all discover the child(ren) . This is when you will know how to train him/her the way he/she should go. No one shaves one’s head in one’s absence, goes the wise saying (Akìí fárí léyìn olórí)
The belief system of the home about humanity is a veritable ingredient in securing the home a haven for peace. Every parent must subject himself/herself to relevant scrutiny to ascertain the toxic emotional life he grew up with does not hinder the way he/she raise his/her kids.
Parents must also not forget to define their purpose in parenting; knowing the why, how, and what of parenting is key, it will help them to make lesser mistakes on the job.
Bonding time; family time. This is not a new thing to us, perhaps we have so familiar with it to the extent of losing its flavor unknown to us. I advise parents before you call for a family altar or family worship , be sure your character in front of your children/households is reputable. Our character determines our conduct; honest conduct comes from an honest person. Family devotion/time should be times of character development, life shaping and an avenue to reinforce positive behaviour in the child. The fact that the kids oblige to the family devotion/time means nothing if learning outcome isn’t taken place.
Every home has its inherent challenges. No home is exempt from problems. But the needed comfort and ease is in our firm resolute to look inward and be highly responsive to the peculiar challenges the home has.
Parenmark School of parenting summer session starts in September. Please register by clicking the link https://tinyurl.com/yxqbo7h4 if you haven’t yet.
Parenting Development Expert.