DEALING WITH OUT-OF-CONTROL PARENTS
We can determine the value or importance of something we do by measuring the possible outcomes of doing or not doing it; for every action or inaction there are consequences. We talk of these significant consequences because we consider the principal so important.
Starting a family with the purpose of raising children is significantly important because its consequences can last generations to come. The core of our job as parents is derived from my utter conviction that we are the most important influences on the lives of our children. Hence, we cannot afford to be flippant on the job.
However, there is, and always has been, a widespread belief that it is only children that can fall to the spectrum of behavior disorder of out-of-control. This is not true. Many of us parents too do. And one of the reasons is that we sometimes carry all over inner wound unknown to many, especially our household. The overtly outward expression is nonetheless linked mostly to the sometimes aggressive manner we respond to our children. Parents go through turbulent moment in life , but we make the children and everyone around us the recipients of the brunt.
We coerce the children into submission by creating fear in them , and so they are forced to like and accept every barked order to them not out of genuine love and obedience but from the fear of potentially adverse consequences. The kids get along grudgingly……. and parents flagrantly focus on what they want from children with yell, scream, threat and intimidation. Even when we are supposed to be firm in discipline, we look other ways to indulge kids or simply switch to permissive mode of parenting. No wonder the relationship with kids deteriorates irrectifiably. Discipline thus become imaginary, then, family vision is lifeless and the interpretation of expectations from both ends become vague, confused, and ambiguous.
Out-of-control parents only have power over their children as long as they remain under their roof. But when nothing seems for kids to depend on you for, they break away irretrievably and get even at you. Because for so long while they were in your home; depending on you for school fees, feeding, shelter, clothing, support, energy, interest and protection, you absolutely exercised coercive power over them. What seemed to be somewhat commitment and involvement from you was rather superficial. And because of this , your children give you a wide berth because of your cruel, mean, and unkind by nature.
Raising children comes with unadulterated commitment and involvement for unhindered super delivery on the job from parents who are armed with mental strength by staying relevant and be in-control. But we see this day some parents who throw in the towel so soon at the sight of kids exuberance, economic threats, and other imminent challenges to life. These parents never seek for a help where necessary.
Often parents claim ignorant of the disputes or falling-out in the home front but if they really think through and trace the problem to its root cause, we will mostly find out that the trouble emanates from the deficiency in our mental capacity to hold up where it matters
Truth is some of us parents can be out-of-control, unmanageable, and rebellious as well as losing grip of the home management and until we intentionally choose to reach out for help we may be unwittingly brewing more out-of-control children for the society.
For every supposed trigger that’s holding you bound in out-of-control behavior, each of them has unique dangers, and each demands unique defenses, So, let us take an look at what should be done to come out of this virus
1. Reappraise the principles that GOVERN your life. What you make to be the pillar of your thoughts on family life and parenting has the capacity to mar or make you. Where wrong principles hold away, right practices are inevitable. For instance, what is the order of the hierarchy of your goals as parents? Not getting this with right perspectives is like being in a ship without a rudder, just floating with the tide.
2. Be strictly adhered to your duty as parents and remain focus and diligent on it as you have sent. Your concentration will deliver unto you undivided attention with the aim to seek more knowledge and become better on it
3. Be sincere to your children. Your true sincerity is measured by the clarity of the messages of every word you use. The saying what you mean. Do what you say. Act what you say. This will build your great reputation before the kids and will ultimately lead to a healthy and brighter family and parenting life.
4. Self discipline/self-control. A Jewish psychology once posited that one of the strong indications of being successful at 32 is having self-control at 12. The first trigger and the initial stage to the out-of-control disorder is anger, with its consuming and destroying fire. If parents can perfect their self control , they become master of their emotion.
5. Lastly, you may need to seek help of the professionals to manage and gain mastery over your emotion. Emotion is normal; so every parent must normalize it.
The next post will deal with OUT-OF-CONTROL HUSBAND. Is your Husband out-of-control? What are the triggers to look out for? What methods work to stop this? All these will be attended to in the next article.
Thank you for your time
CEO, Parenmark School of Parenting