DEALING WITH OUT-OF-CONTROL HUSBANDS
Many think our past traumatic experiences dominate our present condition, but the truth remains; the atmosphere in our homes has been from time immemorial like a compass that serves as a guide to point us in the right or wrong direction as we grow up into functional adulthood. What many of us exhibit in our family life today are partly our design from homes. So except, and unless, a quick intervention with much zeal is applied to change the narrative for the better, the status quo remains.
One of the questions I invariably ask at counseling session of THE EFFECTIVE FATHER’S COURSE in our School of Parenting, is, “How would you describe your home life when you were growing up? The responses will always throw up some disheartening feelings as much as the participants could recall about their homes. This is true because our childhood experiences shape our lives.
As Sons, we mostly depend on our Fathers, and the men we see around to mould ourselves after as our role models. Whatever we see them do is deemed and perceived to be right script; we identify with them , good or bad. All of these are emotionally absorbed into our subliminal and impressionable mind than they are consciously chosen. Our deep dependency on them afforded us little or no options. So, they handed scripts unto us, and this will likelihood be acted out for the rest of our lives.
Nonetheless, this is by no means to take away from our Fathers sizable accolades and praises deserved of them. Their forefathers never had any guide book, no special format or formula, their lives were not that a perfect by any stretch of imagination, but it is our moral duty to build intentionally upon those native intelligence and beliefs they passed unto us and not to pass a vote of no confidence for job done on us.
While I don’t claim to have the empirical statistical figure of out-of-control husbands in Nigeria, and Africa, but the palpable events in our clime as demonstrated through failed marriages, collapsed homes , decaying society, and dysfunctional parenting, are an undisputable proof to show that we have got our work cut out for us. Hence, the vicious cycle of endless production of out-of-control boys who would later grow up to becoming troubled and out-of-control adults must stop.
We all are products of our early emotional life; we act after the pattern of those who raised us. Our entire configurations were formed after their beliefs, habits, religion, culture, and tradition
One of the causes of this behavior disorder in some husbands is the misalignment of expectations from the wives, and children as a result of script conflicts. For instance, the husband may think there is nothing wrong in hurling abuses, shouting down or beating his wife among other domestic violence before the children, even outside the home, because his father did same to his mother.
A husband who is harsh , inconsistent, uninvolved, uncommitted, unavailable , and selfish at home, though diligent in his work and career, local faith assembly with titles will produce resentful, troubled, and rebellious children , and will never be at peace with his wife. Someone rightly put, for every responsive attitude; good or bad , the wife gives the husband, has a lot to do with the understanding and the acceptance of the communicative language in the home.
What I am writing on this topic is what I have researched about, spoken about it, and written about , and will still do more extensively on it because of the high expectations of demand for positive reinforcement of beliefs bestowed on husbands in the home……..this assertion underscores my conviction that husbands remain the hub of positive value entrenchment in the homes…he is the chief pilot who is in charge of the collective actions and policies that tend to give substance to the ideas about what the whole family want their homes to be like.
Wealth, position, religious titles, affluence, power, business and professional success will not compensate for failures in marriage and family relationships, and also cannot solve the dire consequences of a troubled childhood; the ledger of life will reflect the imbalance. Your relationships with your wife and children is sacrosanct. It is pertinent to know that the absence of LEADER (HUSBAND) figure and example leaves a void that may take years of experience and many mistakes to overcome. Your detached and uncoordinated attitude create insecurity in the life of your wife because you are too concerned with your own needs and wants.
I am so concerned about seeing and experiencing the world of a total man- husband who is mostly bothered about the challenges that come with being married and raising children.
I am committed to see husbands who are more passionate about the injustices and misjudgments being melted unabated to most households, wouldn’t close their eyes, but open to take the advantage of the multitude solutions to arrest the situations, and opportunities to make the homes better because a child does what his father tells him until he is fifteen years of age, and after he does what his father does. Children have their antennas out at all times. This is an inbuilt gadget that turns every attitudinal signal from fathers to script in kids subconscious mind
This underlines the demand that your children need also a living example of how a husband should treat his wife with dignity and respect. Watching you practice positive principles as This is absolutely invaluable.
Being out-of-control husband is torment. Still, it shouldn’t be a moment where a husband is reserved to a state of recluse. Out-of-control accompanies weakness and defeat, but I tell you every husband is destined for strength and victory. The presence of out-of-control is the signal that a help is available, and you must rise to conquer. Please let’s see and run together few of these available empowerment you may need to come out of the unpleasant situation.
1. Acceptance. One of the easier ways leading to the road to recovery is to accept one’s folly and be ready to seek and receive help. This will open your mind to the mistakes of the past while thinking constructively in the way forward.
2. Decrypting. Every soul is powerfully influenced by his/her script. So haven accepted your shortcomings leading to being out-of-control, the next thing to do is to learn to how to decrypt and rewrite you a new script that is tailor made to suit your family model.
3. Be self disciplined. We merely exist until we begin to consciously discipline ourselves. The first indication of your success is at best imagined from the way you have successfully managed your mind because out-of-control spectrum flourishes in a life that is so ungoverned and chaotic.
4. Change your habit. None of the habits on earth a man has the power to make or create but as we live daily we discover new ways of behaviours; many we inherited them and some we discovered. The choice is ours; to live as one likes or to behave like a wise man who chooses to do only what is right.
5. I believe effective communication too, will do to help dissipate the expectations form both end. I advise you gently seek the listener’s comprehension until your message gets through. Husbands tend to retreat when our conversations become turbulent. But if we ckmmhnicatpre with patience, the result will be bountiful.
I commend you to the above powerful pathways to recovery among others, that’ll ultimately afford you established systems and procedures that are only workable to your peculiar needs, demands as a husband , and of expectations from your wife and children. Hope is not lost, still.
I shall be writing on DEALING WITH OUT-OF – CONTROL WIVES in the next publication.
Thank you for your time
CEO, Parenmark School of Parenting.