Category Archives: Parenting

Recently, one of my friends shared an experience that resonates with me.

He told about the performance of his daughter who made him proud in her third term final examinations. The third term result shows that my friend’s daughter took the first position in a class of 17 students.

To say the least, my friend was over the moon about his daughter’s brilliant performance. In his words, ” I couldn’t stop saying to my daughter “My daughter, Bukky made me proud once again. When expressed my delight over her performance, she smiled and I could see an expression of joy and contentment on a face.”

My recent expression of satisfaction on my daughter’s performance was not the first time my daughter and her siblings have heard me shout their praises.

I and my wife are the biggest fans, cheer-leaders and back-patter extraordinaire on our children’s accomplishments. These were the words of my friend about his daughter.

But I often heard some students say: “No one wants to hang out with me. I’m a failure at home and school. All my other friends seem happy. What’s wrong with me?”

It is worrisome that these kinds of negative thoughts from students are becoming more common in our homes and schools.

Naturally, children experienced increased levels of anxiety and perfectionism to their studies and expectations from their parents and loved ones. To boost their self-worth, it behooves on parents to help their children to see beyond themselves in other to develop their self-worth.

If a child feels good about herself/himself, then she/he may be more likely to connect with others and benefit from the supports provided at home and school.

Children with high self-worth are found to be happier and mentally healthier, whereas those with low self-worth tend to be psychologically distressed and perhaps even depressed.

In a culture saturated with digitally altered images of impossibly thin women, indeed, raising children with high Self-worth can be very daunting. But as parents, we have great influence to boost our kids’ Self-worth.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, suicide was the third highest cause of death of young people aged 15 to 24. That statistic comes from 2007 but the figure is growing. Depression is a big cause of this and low self-worth is therefore something parents should be aware of in their children.

As parent, you can do so much to help your child boost his self-worth.

So, how can parents influence how their kids think positively about themselves?

Here are five ways parents can help their children develop a healthy sense of self-worth:

1. Offer Sincere Praise

If praises are not perceived as sincere and honest, children would not feel very encouraged. Insincere praises are not only ineffective, but they can also be harmful. Praises that are inconsistent with self-view may be perceived as insincere. These encouraging words are discounted when children think about their own behaviour that is contrary. Such praises can lead to children’s self-criticism and even intentional sabotage to resolve such discrepancy. Instead of sweeping praises, while not encourage your child by using descriptive and specific comments. The less general or generic the praise, the more likely it is factually correct and perceived as sincere. Try and point out a specific aspect of the child’s performance and describe what behaviour led to good results. Specific and descriptive comments signal you have paid attention and you really care.

However, sincere praise can encourage your child to try hard in the future – it is very motivating. But you can also use encouragement before and during an activity to help your child do the activity or behavior.

2. Support Your Child Pursuit of a Passion

Another way you can boost your child’s confidence is to encourage them to take on activities they show interest in, and then make sure they follow through to completion. It does not matter what the task is. The important thing is for them to stick with what they start, so they feel that hit of accomplishment at the end.

3. Let Them Know Nobody Is Perfect

Researchers at Stanford University found that whether a parent views a child’s setbacks and mistakes as a positive thing or a bad thing can shape that child’s beliefs about intelligence, and in turn, affect their
future. “Children’s beliefs about intelligence have a huge impact on how well they do,” says Kyla Haimovitz, Ph.D., the lead author of the study
and a researcher in the Department of Psychology at Stanford University.

Instead of talking about your child’s mistakes, focus on how to do it better the next time. Remind your child that whatever went wrong can be a very useful and educational tool in figuring out what to do or not do
in the future. Let your child know no one is perfect. And explain that no one expects him to be perfect. The way you react to your child’s mistakes and disappointments colours the way he will react.

4. Model Positive Self-talk and Self-Love

To teach your child to love him or herself, you need to love yourself first. You can model this behaviour by rewarding and praising yourself when you do well. Whether you are a business person, a professional, or
you get a promotion at work or throw a successful dinner party for recent achievement, celebrate your successes with your children. Talk about the skills and talents and efforts needed for you to achieve those
accomplishments. In the same conversation, you can remind your child of the skills he or she possesses and how they can be developed and used.

5. Spend Time Together

You are busy, I know, but to help your child, you need to spend quality time together with the right content. The fact of doing this not only helps you to build a better relationship; it also shows that they matter enough for you to give one of your most precious gifts – your time.

The best of the legacies any adult, parent, and teacher can give a child is to HELP THEM DEVELOP A SENSE OF SELF WORTH. It is the NOW thing. Let’s embrace this to save the future of our kids NOW.

Parenting isn’t just a gift, it can be taught, learnt, and groomed.

So I am sincerely inviting you parents, adults, faith based workers, youth handlers, teachers, and singles , to be part of our PARENMARK SCHOOL OF PARENTING SUMMER SESSION, scheduled to kick start in September 2019. To us at Parenmark , every adult and parent around the child is as important as the child they watch over.

Interested individuals should click the link below for registration https://tinyurl.com/y6z85kez

See you in class.

Thank you.

Akinropo Akinola
Parenting Development Expert

MY TOSSE STORY; CHILD DISCIPLINE!

First , I thank the the organisers of the TOSSE 2019, for a job welldone on the just concluded event.

I do not take for granted the privilege to be part of the panelists on the Parent Forum session at the event. Let me equally use this opportunity to pay a glowing tribute to the great submissions made by the other sound minds on the panel session in their respective assignment on the day; Mrs Helen Essien, Mrs Charity Babatunde, Mrs Abimbola Somolu, and Mrs Daisy Jonathan. THEY WERE AWESOME. The Lord bless you and increase your knowledge

I was given the task to discuss CHILD DISCIPLINE, covering these areas;

1. “Spare the rod and spoil the child”. Fact or myth. Was the “rod” as used here metaphorical or literal?

2. Assuming without conceding, that the cane has lost it’s usefulness, it would appear that it’s also lost it’s legality as some states have outlawed caning in schools (note: not home).

3. Why do teachers in particular feel helpless and hapless with this new development?

4. Are there non-caning options which are just as effective, or more effective than caning?

5. Is negotiation with the child an option?

The following are the questions and comments on child discipline; i actually fussed some together into one question.

1. What are other measures of disciplining a child who doesn’t listen to his/her parents?

2. What do you do to a child who is 13 year old that refuses to obey the parents especially when it comes to doing home work but she’s an angel at school?

3. I dont agree with your issue on discipline. It was because the parents/teachers stopped caning that led us to this situation we are today because we brought in foreign culture into our system. We should just train the teacher to use cane on the buttocks of students.

4. Is asking children not to watch certain films a way to control what they watch?

MY SUBMISSION BELOW!

But what, exactly, is discipline ? Is it simply about keeping kids within particular boundaries, or is it about teaching them new skills? Is it for their own safety, or to serve the purpose, fancy and the needs of the PARENTS? These are pertinent questions and must be answered dispassionately otherwise we may be unconsciously damaging our children through the methods we adopt to correct them of any of the social infractions. If the purpose is unknown, abuse then is inevitable, so says Myles Monroe.

I make bold as to say that as parents, if the goal and purpose of discipline is to teach the child, then educational approaches would make the most sense. But on the other hand, if we only need to command immediate obedience through dominance from our children, then aggressive physical punishment is an excellent strategy. I wouldn’t suggest the latter for any parent, nonetheless, because its structures are deeply rooted in fear, intimidation, retaliation, and spitefulness. But I hear people often say that physical punishment works for them. Then I ask, to what extent with respect to the final outputs of the child (ren) involved is this true. ?

Many parents and teachers still feel that without caning, children will continue brazenly in abysmal error and run amok, but I submit that there is no emperical evidence to support that the idea of agression results in learning either.

Research has shown that when children comply at the sight of cane or any other physical punishment it is because they are afraid and not because learning has taking place in them. I have been to a school where a rowdy hall session by the students prompted the Head teacher to stand up, the students reading his body and facial languages COMPLIED within seconds and palpable pin silence was thus observed. Same couldn’t be said of another I witnessed in which the students promptly maintained silence spotting the School’s head hand with the stack of canes. The School head later told me he didn’t mean to beat them with the cane but to SCARE them into obeying him and it works. He said.

Juxtaposing the two scenarios we can then deduce which is the better method of discipline as applied by these two seperate school heads.

This is what the power of conditioning can do to our children’s mind. We model after what we want and desire of them. One conditioned them to be a reasoning being , another conditioned them to be an instinct being, in the word of Barrister Taiwo Akinlami.

The biblical ‘rod’ to many means cane and physical punishment while to some it is ‘teaching, ‘instructions, ‘solutions’, and ‘knowledge’ Again, we are free to interpret the ‘rod’ to suit our desire and purpose, but I’d like to state that the writer of that aspect of the Scriptures didn’t begin with the ‘rod’ (to mean physical cane) but with TEACHING. He spent the better part of the whole books of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes in to teach in reinforcing positive values on his children. So to teach a child to develop new skills to grow effectively in life requires a dint of hardwork, patience, intense knowledge , and educational nurturing for parents to navigate effectively.

But no thanks really to most of the State governments for outlawing the use of cane with no corresponding training support and intervention for teachers on how to effectively develop new skills on the alternative method of discipline. This is the reason why teachers in those schools seem helpless and result to a state of recluse, watching the students wreaking havok on themselves by flagrant disobeying the schools social rules.

Are there alternatives to caning? Yes there are. One of them is to allow the consequences to do the shouting. Of course this can only be effective after the parents and teachers must have invested their quality time to study the child’s temperament. Child discipline is a process; it is never a sprint, neither is it a race. When parents go for short term goals, benefits, and comfort at the expense of their core roles, there’s a greater tendency that such will lead to eternal damnation. Easier choices are mostly suggested by our emotions and feelings; we shouldn’t trust them always.

The choice is ours as parents and teachers; let us think about it. For every of our actions we are absolutely certain that we will get the result we want, and that result would either be long life-changing with the help of coping skills to live as they (children) grow up or a short lived obedience from our children. Educational approaches of discipline offer kids right opportunities to ask questions about anything and everything and also have the abilities to present to them skills to overcome challenges in life.

Thank you once again, the Tosse Edumark first, for this mind enlightening parents forum. We are not ungrateful (apology to Mr Kayode Adeogun)

And to every parent and teacher, school owner, and school administrator, who took time to comment and ask questions, I say thank you, together we can present a progressive and clearer family and parenting lifestyle for our precious kids TODAY!

Akinropo Akinola
Founder/Director, Parenmark School of Parenting