Category Archives: Parenting

DEALING WITH OUT OF CONTROL CHILDREN…/1

For kids, of all ages, many of us parents have stereotypically carved out this phrase; ‘THIS CHILD IS OUT OF CONTROL’, for them to describe a feeling anytime they refuse to obey the home rules, will not listen to instructions, disturb in the classroom, or bent on pushing the boundaries; This is how we feel when we notice these infractions, we are quick to conclude but forget this feeling may just be fairly fleeting on account of a judgment mostly pre meditated by our preset mindset towards the child in question, but the honest truth is that the outcome of such fixation cannot really be foisted on the child.

It is noteworthy to mention that same child that’s branded ‘out of control’ could be seen to be within a control and obedient somewhere else from home. So what really is the problem?

To present a better outlook of this series I have decided to break this article into parts, drawing my conclusion across the major stakeholders of the child for easy understanding. Welcome to this interesting journey dear parents and caregivers.

Results from multiple researches have shown that for any social breach a child is involved in there exists a sizeable part of training left undone by the parents. Every child is born into a family to be nurtured, groomed, and guide in the way he/she should go in life
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Let us look at this vivid example from a short footage in a documentary of US military drill a friend sent few months; a set of army recruits were picked up on a drilling by the drill sergeant, from Reception Battalion and marched them to the field for phase Two of Basic Combat Training where they will begin to fire weapons. With the service rifle they will fire at various targets, which are progressively further down rage, making each successful target difficult to hit, with additional pop up targets at long range, and also to test their mastery in handling this assault weapon. The recruits took their turn to fire at their target and everything went on excellently and smoothly until it got to a particular guy who briefly looked fidgeting and at his first salvo , lost control of the trigger and sporadic shots fired forth endlessly, making everyone present on the field to run for safety, including the drill sergeant.

The import of this scenario into this conversation is many of us parents are like this particular recruit who on account of not being firm in handling the weapon lost control of the assault weapon and subsequently not able to be in charge.

The sincerity of this man to join the army is as clear as that of every parent to give birth and raise a child; but being excellent at parenting goes beyond mere sincerity. No army recruitment starts with weapon handling at the war front, ditto no effective parenting starts with raising a child. Any man can handle a gun but not every man can manage and control a gun. Anyone can give birth to a child but not everybody can effectively bring up a child in the way he/she should go. But only those parents who know the way , show the way. If we do not know the way; how can we show them the way, how can we help them to live right, ? Behave right?, relate right? and act right?

As evidently shown in this context that the problem is the RECRUIT holding the weapon, and not the WEAPON. Parents are like recruits while kids are the weapons. A popular Scripture asserted, ‘as arrows are in the hands of a mighty man so are the children…”

Other recruits on the drilling who were given same weapon were able to handle and gain control over the gun, but this man was not. We could see he was not mentally and physically ready for the onerous task. He wasn’t qualified for the job. Many of us parents are not as well qualified. This is the truth.

Often times we are so quick to label the child recalcitrant, unruly, ungovernable, wild, obstreperous, ‘omokómo’ ‘omolàsán èkejì ajá’ ‘àbíìpabé’ ‘àkùkúùbí Sàn sé ràdàràdà’ and all other unprinted names one can think of just to justify our unacknowledged ineptitude.

There’s no doubt that parents face new and sometimes frightening and daunting situations every day concerning our children; pressure to excel, pressure from peers, pressure to measure up society’s ‘image’ of beauty or masculinity, occultism, pornography, music with damaging messages, media influence, drugs, alcohol, and other addictive substances, among numerous.

Somehow we aren’t ready and prepared to handle the throngs of these challenges. This is why it is so imperative for all parents specially, young couples to be schooled on parenting, family and child care before marriage. Possessing the biological and physiological strength and endowment to conceive and bear kids not enough. While I do not readily have empirical statistics at hand to support this, but the current state of Socio-political space in our nation is a true position of the rot.

Concluding that a child is out of control is playing the ostrich when from all indications the person that needs to be fixed and fitted for the job is parent. Our sincerity in admitting we need help will stem the tide of frivolous hasty judgment passed by parents, teachers, and bystanders. Our moral standard to wield the weapons of justice and judgment if need be, must be woven through the fabric of our lives. This is where our integrity lies and it will help us to understand this concept of morality better in the manner we relate with our children.

In this subject the first entity to seek solution are the parents, and I have few of the solutions here below for parents concerned:

• Parenting can be learnt and groomed. Don’t fall for the temptation of aura of the desire to hold an assault weapon for the fun of it only to be embarased at the drilling field. Get schooled. Get knowledge with right application. You may not be able to solve the kids’ problem until you first understand them.

• Another area to deal with is prejudice. It is a subtle formula that’s found its way into our parenting module through some routes; nature and nurture, ignorance, and our subconscious mind, they slowly trickle up to infiltrate our thinking without our knowing it, and subsequently locks up our mind; nothing goes out, nothing good thought comes in. The most interesting is that prejudice flourishes at the threshold of parents unfavorable disposition to care for the child. Making references to what a child has done in the past to judge his/her present misbehavior does more harm to the child. Every new infraction must be treated new with new initiatives to correct

• Until we debug ourselves of toxic childhood experiences and circumstances we grew up with , we may not be able to handle peculiar challenges kids of today face. I believe principles are the same but methods to apply are never the same. We see today’s kids with the eye of who we were at their age.

• Consistency fosters trust and assurance. Parenting never promises to be an easy job. But more we seek daily insights into the lesser it becomes a job, but more of a joy. Consistency in our leadership and parenting style fosters trust, believe, and assurance in them. They need our consistency in showing them right value in and out. Regardless of the spectrum of youthful exuberance they fall to, the most important is for them to feel safe under our care.

Part Two of this series promises to be more exciting as I shall be dealing with the aspect that concerned children.

Thank you for your time.

Akinropo Akinola

#parentingwithakinropo
#akinropoakinola
#MummyNoExcuses
#DaddyWhereAreYou
#parenting

DEALING WITH OUT OF CONTROL CHILDREN PART II

Mr BS (pseudonym) is a decent, loyal, and dependable executive in a fast growing Business Consulting firm. In his mid FORTIES, has enjoyed a blossom career in his ten years stint on the job. He rose through the ranks and deservedly merited every promotion that came his way.

BS is always a big cheese in the company; with many awards to his credit. But alas! he was a distraught family man whose home had become a theatre of problems orchestrated by one of his four teen children who was hooked on drug and violence. An event that has taken him in and out of the office severally.

Miffed by the emotional trauma this disorder has caused him he decided to take a time off his job to fix the domestic problem. He seemed to have done everything within his capacity to bring back on track his out of control teen, but this was not enough an antidote; the more he tried the higher the wilder the problem grew just like a bush fire during harmathan

Every moment of the dude’s recklessness brought so far unto him and the family consequences that lasted for some period. This is a true life story and a catching case study for an out of control child. Yet, the can be solved. Setbacks and challenges can be overcome when they are confronted decisively. The guy can be led back to himself. The symptoms he exhibited so far are the feedback and all need to be attended to.

Like every other person; no child/teen is issuseptible to the compelling influences of a larger society; there are hordes of social vices starring our children in the face; our children today suffer incredible pressure from society’s shifting standards of right and wrong, troubles in the home, selfish interest, pressure to excel, negative peer pressure, pressure to measure up with society’s definition of beauty or masculinity, the occult, witchcraft, love of material goods, fortune telling, pornography, music with damaging messages, media content, sex, drugs, alcohol, and other additive substances. All these are temptations to steal these children from us. What they now need is intentional parents and adults to teach, lead, and groom them out of these problems.

So unfortunately today’s kids face lots of distractions in this present age of cyber driven culture; We have in the present generation of children who are born into the world of conveniences, filled with smartphones, internet games, online and internet banking, microwaves. The influence of the present iron age which is full of machines and mechanical dudes is unavoidable though, because every generation is peculiar so is every child.

It is not out of place to see our present young teens having a strong desire for dating and develop voracious appetite to engage in pre- marital sex. The greatest challenge is how parents respond to this crush.

But I submit here with no iota of doubt that if teen rebellion is effectively managed; teen rape, assault and abuse is properly checkmated, teen education and exposure is not limited to school subjects, parents don’t give explanations but more of positive experiences…no child will be said to be out of control

The thesis is that as parents provide in the home the genuine emotional, psychological and spiritual stability for their children in a loving relationship, closeness will increase and temptation to seek affinity and succour, through sexual involvement, drug abuse, or any other social breach, will abate. So what I intend doing here is to open parents to strategies that work on how parents can help their children out of this and redirect them back to the right path.

Their understanding of what to do will give teenagers an insight into loving concerns of their parents, even when those concerns seem to be too strict and unfriendly.

One of the critical points we need to know in a bid to helping the out of control children regain themselves is to first understand why they do what they do! I don’t seem to have all the reasons; but I will state some of the prevalent ones, as described by many of these teens themselves; pressure from peers, boy friend, girl friend, lack of understanding of the new vice, they want to get even at parents, curiosity, haven done it once, they want to do it again, they just feel good about it. These among others are the compelling reasons. Nonetheless they are not an uphill task but the truth is many of us parents don’t act ontime or somewhat clueless of these vices; and often times we get to know kids can’t trust us with their hidden battle let alone proferring solution to them. We thereafter result to our conventional manner of how we were brought up; beating with horse whip, shaming, abusing, disowning, threatening, thinking such would teach the erring child some wisdom. This will never work for today’s kids. Corporal punishment had only succeeded in making them more hardened. We must know better with today’s kids; there are many ways to catch a fox

It is the sense of feeling alienated and rejected from family, absence of engaging relationship that make children, teens, and young adults, terrifically susceptible to all mannners of social vices through parent inattentiveness

Let us look at these solutions together.

Tell your story. Most times parents play saints when their teens fall into the spectrum of social vices. Theres is no problem if you have never fallen to the spectrum of any troubled childhood, but be sincere if you are, and let them know the fight you battled through all your childhood and what took you (..still taken you) to overcome.

Resourcefulness. Solving a hydra headed problem of ‘out of control children’ can’t be achieved without the mental capacity and ability of the parents involved to be open minded, and have teachable spirit. This will help the affected child to change the way he/she sees himself/herself and ready to accept help

Accept and Appreciate. One of the hallmarks of being effective parents is in our utmost faith in accepting whatever our children do either wrong or right. This will give them sense of security, which today’s kids desperately need. Absence of this leads to a build up to being out of control. When we deliberately place outcome success above the processes, rebellious beckons

Care. In caring there’s commitment, compassion and courage to provide solutions to the problem. The genuineness of our action here will guide us unto the path to seek solution backed up by hungry for more parenting educational training, prayer, and intercession.

Emotional support. Often kids make illogical decisions based on impulse. This is the gateway to first experience of any vice. So when this happens what do we do? This is not the period to play rigidity; condemn, judge, or disparage them, but a moment to let them admit their action. Fear of punishment at times if the wrong is confessed will also motivate them to justify their action rather than admit it. Feel their pulse and unravel the cause(s)

However, above are not limited to the available solutions to the ‘out of control’ children; you may have to contact a professional that will help you speed up the recovery unto perfection. We have seen cases of relapse. Please fight back where necessary the temptation to want to handle it alone. These vices are powerful forces, but there are wisdom and solutions in good counsel when facing issues like this. The wisdom is to know when to do it alone and when to involve a professional.

Parents we can win this battle for our children.

The next part will dwell on ‘OUT OF CONTROL PARENT” yes parents, sometimes can be out of control.

Thank you.

Akinropo Akinola
Founder, Parenmark school of parenting.

#parentingwithakinropo
#akinropoakinola
#parenting

DEALING WITH OUT-OF-CONTROL PARENTS

We can determine the value or importance of something we do by measuring the possible outcomes of doing or not doing it; for every action or inaction there are consequences. We talk of these significant consequences because we consider the principal so important.

Starting a family with the purpose of raising children is significantly important because its consequences can last generations to come. The core of our job as parents is derived from my utter conviction that we are the most important influences on the lives of our children. Hence, we cannot afford to be flippant on the job.

However, there is, and always has been, a widespread belief that it is only children that can fall to the spectrum of behavior disorder of out-of-control. This is not true. Many of us parents too do. And one of the reasons is that we sometimes carry all over inner wound unknown to many, especially our household. The overtly outward expression is nonetheless linked mostly to the sometimes aggressive manner we respond to our children. Parents go through turbulent moment in life , but we make the children and everyone around us the recipients of the brunt.

We coerce the children into submission by creating fear in them , and so they are forced to like and accept every barked order to them not out of genuine love and obedience but from the fear of potentially adverse consequences. The kids get along grudgingly……. and parents flagrantly focus on what they want from children with yell, scream, threat and intimidation. Even when we are supposed to be firm in discipline, we look other ways to indulge kids or simply switch to permissive mode of parenting. No wonder the relationship with kids deteriorates irrectifiably. Discipline thus become imaginary, then, family vision is lifeless and the interpretation of expectations from both ends become vague, confused, and ambiguous.

Out-of-control parents only have power over their children as long as they remain under their roof. But when nothing seems for kids to depend on you for, they break away irretrievably and get even at you. Because for so long while they were in your home; depending on you for school fees, feeding, shelter, clothing, support, energy, interest and protection, you absolutely exercised coercive power over them. What seemed to be somewhat commitment and involvement from you was rather superficial. And because of this , your children give you a wide berth because of your cruel, mean, and unkind by nature.

Raising children comes with unadulterated commitment and involvement for unhindered super delivery on the job from parents who are armed with mental strength by staying relevant and be in-control. But we see this day some parents who throw in the towel so soon at the sight of kids exuberance, economic threats, and other imminent challenges to life. These parents never seek for a help where necessary.

Often parents claim ignorant of the disputes or falling-out in the home front but if they really think through and trace the problem to its root cause, we will mostly find out that the trouble emanates from the deficiency in our mental capacity to hold up where it matters

Truth is some of us parents can be out-of-control, unmanageable, and rebellious as well as losing grip of the home management and until we intentionally choose to reach out for help we may be unwittingly brewing more out-of-control children for the society.

For every supposed trigger that’s holding you bound in out-of-control behavior, each of them has unique dangers, and each demands unique defenses, So, let us take an look at what should be done to come out of this virus

1. Reappraise the principles that GOVERN your life. What you make to be the pillar of your thoughts on family life and parenting has the capacity to mar or make you. Where wrong principles hold away, right practices are inevitable. For instance, what is the order of the hierarchy of your goals as parents? Not getting this with right perspectives is like being in a ship without a rudder, just floating with the tide.

2. Be strictly adhered to your duty as parents and remain focus and diligent on it as you have sent. Your concentration will deliver unto you undivided attention with the aim to seek more knowledge and become better on it

3. Be sincere to your children. Your true sincerity is measured by the clarity of the messages of every word you use. The saying what you mean. Do what you say. Act what you say. This will build your great reputation before the kids and will ultimately lead to a healthy and brighter family and parenting life.

4. Self discipline/self-control. A Jewish psychology once posited that one of the strong indications of being successful at 32 is having self-control at 12. The first trigger and the initial stage to the out-of-control disorder is anger, with its consuming and destroying fire. If parents can perfect their self control , they become master of their emotion.

5. Lastly, you may need to seek help of the professionals to manage and gain mastery over your emotion. Emotion is normal; so every parent must normalize it.

The next post will deal with OUT-OF-CONTROL HUSBAND. Is your Husband out-of-control? What are the triggers to look out for? What methods work to stop this? All these will be attended to in the next article.

Thank you for your time

Akinropo Akinola
CEO, Parenmark School of Parenting

#parentingwithakinropo
#akinropoakinola
#DaddyWhereAreYou
#MummyNoExcuses
#parenting
#outofcontrolparents

DEALING WITH PARENTING STRESS; MOVING FROM PASSION TO POWER! (concluding part)

The entire facade of passion will crumble before any parent who latches on emotion to parent a child for the reason that passionate parent seeks to put kids right, but wisdom demands that passion is not enough to raise today’s kids, but by methodically allow our passion to go through the refining fire of processes to achieve positive engagement of kids.

We have a lot in our plate dear parent to allow passion takes the center stage. There’s rising cost of health care, education, food, and housing. We need to move on the wings of passion to productivity; from passion to power; and finally from darkness to light.

Passion in its crude state could be harmful to the bearer if not purposely converted to right solutions; it is like a moving water, it could be damned and controlled for a moment, but eventually, it will force an outlet. This is true of passion. Inability of parents to channel its energy into some creative efforts that will better their parenting journey will on its own create a physical outlet which may ultimately lead to all forms of abuses on the child and also put unavoidable stress on parents in the name of parenting.

One of the easiest ways to overcome parenting stress caused by passion is to effectively transmute its energy to bring the best out of the child. Whether we are parents, teachers, coaches, employers, or youth workers, I have FIVE critical ways on how to turn your passion to power.

1. PASSION TO POWER. Every passion has gotten innate potential of being converted to power. Show me a parent that’s transcended from being passionate to powerful, and I will tell you what knowledge has done in the life of that parents. The willpower to acquire and apply knowledge is the NOW passion , an indispensable commodity every parents must have and sell not. Please get it.

2. PASSION TO PATIENCE. Passion will drain you if it is not infused with patience. One of the best ways to do this is to detach yourself emotionally while responding to issues around the child. Your patience should grow faster than the rate of passion in you.

3. PASSION TO PURPOSE. The passion for parenting is built overtime for a purpose; to raise a child from womb unto adjusted adulthood. When you commit this to heart, our actions would then be solution-oriented, we will always act, and not react to issues around our children.

4. PASSION TO PEACE. Your passion must be subdued for peace to reign in you. This will only happen if parents are able to defeat self and focus on the child. This is when parents need fix themselves before trying to fix the child. The way of passion to peace is by purifying ourselves.

5. PASSION TO PRAYER. We cannot disdain the place of prayer in order to achieve the best result in life for us and our children. Prayer is like a proverbial plant and fertilizer; one cannot be substituted for the other. Being passionate and hardworking to parent without prayer will open our precious children to negative elements that will dwarf their potentials. Also prayer without purposeful hardwork is just a self tickling exercise. The two must go together.

Please let us create virile outlets for our passion for parenting to be beneficial to us, the child, and the society.

Thank you.

Akinropo Akinola
CEO, Parenmark school of parenting

#parentingwithakinropo
#dealingwithparentingstress
#akinropoakinola

DEALING WITH PARENTING STRESS; MOVING FROM PASSION TO POWER. part 1.

I Often ask caregivers ; teachers, teen coach, parents, and faith based youth handlers on what informed their strong decision and desire to want to work around the child; expected the answer has always been yes roundly coined in a phrase; ‘I am just passionate about kids, I love them around me…… I hear this and other emotional responses just to suggest that being around kids is natural to us. That’s cool though.

You see the pursuit of passion alone to impact one’s world effectively is never the problem but how effective is the flame of passion as to the positive delivery on the job of parenting at hand. Every parent/adult is laced with the passion which is developed overtime to train kids to succeed in life, right from conception; to when the child is born, up till when he/she grows to eighteen. The primary responsibility of feeding, total child safety, shelter, quality education, and mentoring, is exclusively placed on shoulder of parents in this part of the world. No parents want to joke with this onerous task. Albeit permit me to expound briefly how passion can damage and make ineffective of our good intention in parenting if left untrained.

Passion as defined by Wikipedia is a feeling of intense enthusiasm towards or compelling desire for someone or something.

By this definition; passion has no boundary, being passionate about something or someone which is boundless can be sometimes dangerous because from its chilling soft ground creeps out impatience, close-mindedness, unreceptive, hostility, unteachable, greed, anger, retaliation, cruelty, suspicion, jealousy, brute forces , selfishness, and sometimes unreasoning impulses.

Passion is a moving consuming fire , the flame wouldn’t stop until it reduces itself to a heap of revolting ashes in the lives of parents and kids.

Passion deprives parents of their peace by making them suspect every move of children, it conditions parents mind to either cave and give in to the tantrum of the child or pounce on the child in the open just because of the bystanders effect and not necessarily to provide positive response to the issue at hand and will sometimes blindfold you to see the problem beyond the child.

The untrained flame of Passion breeds doubt and uncertainty in your relationship with kids such that it will make you feel worthless as a parent before the bystanders and you’d have to deal with the dirty looks, snide remarks, or other derisive comments of other adults thereby heaping more pressure on you, so also is your ability to seek relevant knowledge diminishes as the number of distractions increases.

Passion saps you creativity needed to support the child to overcome certain excesses with a view to helping nurture them and provide positive role models.

From scientific perspective, passion and emotion do not have the capacity to understand consequences and backlash of its wierd action. This is why we still see some kids appear unreceptive, cold, and hostile to their parents in spite of their positive disposition towards making them turn out better.

I see passionate mothers and fathers who easily operate solely from the realm of the deeper EMOTION, and by attendant staggering burdens this has placed on them many parents are on the brink of throwing the towel for they to have found parenting as more of a job and less of a joy. This is what untrained passion does to you. It has a penchant for bringing out the worst in parents.

Passion veils parents from seeing today’s children as different from children of 40 years ago with reference to divergent circumstances, experiences, and perspectives. Many parents have lost their children to outsiders due to the eruption of passion and have proportionately developed strain on the job.

The stronger your passion is , the deeper and fiercer is your temptation towards selfishness, egocentric, and entitlement mentality. But to prevent one from drifting to the region of appalling helplessness one must know when to draw a line between passion and wisdom; a person of passion is most eager to put others right , but a person of wisdom first puts himself right. My candid advice to parents.

The entire facade of passion will crumble before any parent who latches on emotion to parent a child for the reason that passionate parent seeks to put kids right, but wisdom demands that passion is not enough to raise today’s kids, but by methodically allow our passion to go through the refining fire of processes to achieve positive engagement of kids……….

Part 2 in hours….